Jamestown
September 10th, 1607
Dear Abigail,
I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss the way you gingerly kissed our daughters good night. I miss everyone. I know this trip is for our own good and I know I said I wanted to come, but why do I catch myself grimacing every night? Why do I see Jamestown as a despicable place now? I have to make this work. Whenever I remember your spontaneous laugh, your resilient attitude and your avidness to make me feel better, I remember. This is the right choice.
How are you doing? Is Elizabeth ok? How about Emily? Please tell my father how much I think about him, how bad I feel about what happened to my mother. Tell him.
Everything is perfect here. Well, was perfect. An explorer is causing problems. His name is John Smith. He feels like the proprietor of the Virginia Colony. I surmise he is a captain of some sort because he feels he has the power over people like me. Men who come from the most important families in England. His imperative comments and ideas modified many of the rules we had already established here. His newest idea is “He who does not work, does not eat”. And of course it affects me.
Previously, I was careless with not a worry nor duty. Now, I must work in order to feed myself! Like servants! John Smith’s so called “fair” disposition is making my days in Jamestown miserable. Although it has helped our colony and we are no longer starving or suffering from the prevalent diseases, my friends and I dislike the idea.
Remember Alexander? Well he, like many others, is a cheater. They extricate themselves from this duty. The men’s guile towards our colony is unacceptable. This new idea, this new colony, this new start is for our good. And guess what they do. They pay people to do the work for them. While I work, they eat.
Despite all my complaining I must say John Smith is clever, original and I know he will be of great help for our colony. And I just hope the House of Burgesses and all the other establishments in Jamestown foreshadow a series of success and events that hopefully will make my days here better.
Now that the story of my life is over and I was selfish enough to only tell you about life here, I think about you. Always. And I want you to know that no matter how long it takes for me to finally see you again; I love you as much as I do now.
Yours truly,
Benjamin
Naty, as always great story. I love your word choice and how you always make the reader feel everything you write. All the words were used correctly, excellent.
ReplyDeleteNatalia!! I loved your letter, you always blow my mind away with your stories! The voice in your letter adds a tone which makes one feel right there in the scene. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteGreat story, I like the way that you showed a lot of emotion and used all the words correctly. I also liked how unlike everyone else you thought of the rule as unfair.
ReplyDeleteHey! I loved your story! I have to admit I was genuinely surprised when I saw you were arguing against the rule as Patrick pointed out also, it was a very unique disposition. I only have a couple of corrections/suggestions:
ReplyDeleteIn the first para when you say "I catch myself grimacing" I think it would bet better if you used find or feel instead of "catch"
When you say "I used to have fun" I get what you mean, but keeping in mind you're a adult in a far away land, I think it would be more suitable to have put 'previously I was carless with not a worry nor duty' and then go on to explain. Also in the same para you put "My friends" but you leave out yourself, you could have put something like 'I still oppose the efforts of the house of burgeses to instil this way of life within the colony, as do my friends'
In the following paragraph you use "Our country" but you need to keep in mind that at the tame it was just a colony, not a country.
In your last paragraph you say "Now that my life is over" So you died? Because that's what you say. I understand what you were trying to say, maybe you should try 'Now that I have told you the tales of my life' or were you saying now that this letter is over? That could work then.
One last critique is your tone seemd a little modern. Like it seems a little like how we'd talk in our everyday conversations to each other in school, not very much like a person who gravely misses their family, because I remember mrs.meadows telling us that they spoke very formaly or something and yours just sounds a little casual at parts.
All in all, super good job! I'm wishing now that I had thought of the idea of using a p.o.v opposing the law! Do you think anyone would notice if I change my story???
<3
Very good story! I liked that your character talks about his family. I also liked that your character thought that the rule was unfair. You used all the words correctly. Great job!
ReplyDeleteExcellent job Natalia!! I loved how you put a lot of feeling into your letter and how you used accurate information. I also liked how you described everything to make us feel in the story. :D
ReplyDeleteExcellent story! You totally put your own voice in the story! You put the reader right into the story with you, and feel the scene although it's only a letter. The words were used splendidly, well done oreo!!
ReplyDeleteNatalia, I liked your story a lot. I liked how you used different chapter words correctly in the story. You also always put feelings into the story. I love how yo write
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